*;..;* ahhhhhhhhh

I hate celery mixed in with anything.

I had some spicy chicken dish (they gave it some epic sounding Chinese name but I’m pretty sure it was just Kung Pao Chicken) at a Chinese place for lunch the other day and it had plenty of decent ingredients aside from the chicken: Bell Peppers, Peanuts, Onions, Carrots, some mystery vegetable… and then fucking celery.

Once celery is involved, it’s all I can taste. Fucking go away celery!

I hate studio audiences, especially the laugh tracks in sitcoms.

I’ve realized it’s why, no matter how many people recommend these shows to me I just can’t bring myself to watch them. I don’t need confirmation that it’s ok to laugh when I’m watching tv. If it’s funny, I will laugh. In fact, hearing random people laugh when something that they’ve tried really hard to make funny happens just ends up making me think it’s not funny at all, like some guy laughing really loudly at his own jokes.

Look at Always Sunny and Archer… no dumb person laugh tracks are there to let the morons that don’t understand the jokes know that it’s time to laugh and both of the shows are that much better because of it.

I hate when my phone still says I have a new text message even though I already checked it.

I hate geese.

I hate black licorice

I like most other things.

Hell yeah, it’s 11:11:11 on 11/11/11!!

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Seth MacFarlane – Music Is Better Than Words

Soooooooooooo yeah, seems that all the Family Guy musical numbers weren’t enough for him and he released an album last month.

I “acquired” the album last night and it is packed with enormous amounts of Sinatra-esque kickassery. He even did a song with Norah Jones and another with Sara Bareilles, which happen to be two of my favorites.

“Two Sleepy People” Featuring Norah Jones

“Love Won’t Let You Get Away” Featuring Sara Bareilles

Andddd “Laura” just because it’s a standard and because I have a live Dave Brubeck recording of this song that I’ve probably listened to over a thousand times.

Ok nevermind, all the copies of this I found on YouTube are blocked… but it’s good I swear!

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God dammit Joseph Gordon-Levitt

For lots of reasons, most of which aren’t clear to me, I had been pretty emotional lately and on edge. Yesterday, in particular, I was all rollercoastery like some kind of pregnant woman. For the first time since I’ve started working, I almost exploded into a fit of rage and completely freaked out on someone. It’s pretty rare for me to ever do that in my personal life, let alone at work where I tend to just keep to myself as much as possible.

So I totally left work 4:30 to go catch a 5:00 showing of 50/50.

I don’t know what it is about this guy, but he’s done it again. Starred in another one of these movies that seem to completely absorb me, forcing me to make some kind of weird connection or self discovery (aside from convincing myself that I have cancer after watching it). Part of the reason, I guess, is that this is just the nature of these types of movies – watching them and identifying with a character or situation, reflecting on your own life, becoming emo/uplifted, whatever. It seems like I get much more emotionally attached or “into” the movies/tv shows I watch, the books I read, the music I listen to than most people… I think it’s a nerd thing and most of my closest friends share that quality with me in at least some way.

But yeah, these movies… one huge factor is definitely the soundtracks. Seriously, these movies have some great music and not only is the music good, it’s paired perfectly with the movie during just the right times. I love it. The scene in this movie where the reality that he has cancer is sinking in as he’s walking around and Radiohead’s “High & Dry” is playing… dude. I guess I should mention that Seth Rogan is great in this too.

Oh, the other movie that I’m mainly talking about other than 50/50 is 500 Days of Summer.

This asshole looks so good in his cool collared shirts under a vest or thing long sleeved sweaterish things too…

Also, I completely fell in love with with the girls from both of these movies after watching them

Anna Kendrick is way too cute in 50/50 and I want to marry her character

and then Zooey Deschanel in 500 Days of Summer… she has that whole irresistable quirky thing going on (even though from experience I know in a long term relationship, quirky girls mutate from adorable to GOD SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE WOMAN HOLY SHIT. No I’m not talking about you.)

Well anyway, this was even more poorly written than my usual noise and I feel like I didn’t get my point across at all (I have a hard time communicating without hand gestures and facial expressions) but yeah, here’s some music from these movies:

What else… you should totally see both of them. I guess you would classify them in that sort of… romantic comedyesque genre but that doesn’t really do them justice. They have funny moments, but neither of them are really romantic comedies. It’s like… they are serious enough without overdoing it and funny but they don’t force it down your throat.

This came up when I was doing google images searches for 50/50 and I have no idea what it is or where it came from but now I want to see it

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I’m drunk but not that drunk and Billie Holiday

My boss left work early, so of course I did too. Went home, changed clothes and headed straight for the bar downstairs.

I had 3 different German Microbrews actually from Germany that I have never heard of. Needless to say (for anyone that has an understanding of my tolerance) they completely kicked my ass so I’m kind of drunk. My plan was to get even more drunk but apparently I grabbed a root beer from the refridgerator and not a real beer. I put that root beer in there as a joke a while ago and there was about a 6% chance that I would choose the root beer and not a real beer… alas, sobering up.

Alright… so there is this ridiculously overpriced grocery store with an amazing wine selection near my place. I go there sometimes when I’m lazy or when I want to get change for laundry. I went there to get some wine and change… things were going well. There were three different checkout lines so I chose the one with the middle-aged white lady that looked like she was the most competent of the three. I got $20 cash back and asked that $10 be given to me in quarters for laundry. This appeared to deeply upset her. I was confused. She then went on to count $10 in quarters from her drawer, handing them to me as she counted. I was less confused… and then more confused. The whole time I am speechless and completely confused as to why she didn’t just give me a roll of quarters like every other cashier has done the last 10 times I’ve done this (wtf… $100 on laundry since I’ve been here?). This lady is totally guilt tripping me the whole time too…

Finally… $9.75.. $10… “oh great, I have 1 quarter left”, she exclaimed. She proceeds to ask some guy named “Terry” for a roll of quarters and hands him a $10 dollar bill. I asked the lady if she realized that she had just counted and handed to me $10 in quarters from her drawer only to replace them with a $10 roll that was conveniently prepared for her and waiting and I still don’t think she understood. This happened like 3 days ago and I’m still mad!

What else… going to Portland with SP, Nate, Brianne and Goku in December for the Portland Holiday Ale Festival. If one of you random creeps that arrives at my blog via search terms like “Jennifer Aniston Oral Sex Orgy”, “contraception”, “ms paint microwave door” or “popeye eating spinach” (yes these are all real) is going to be there, let me know and we can totally hang out.

http://teenagemutantninjanoses.tumblr.com

I realized on my way home from work today that I know my way around this city really well now… being stuck in some transitional period between two homes and not really feeling like you have one is a strange feeling.

This is where my head’s at and I don’t really know why:

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[silence]… … … *crunch*

Hello friends. How are you? I am still in St. Louis. The leaves are all dying. The Cardinals might go to the World Series. My car is dirty. I need to do laundry. I have about 2 showers worth of shampoo left before I have to buy more. My driver’s side rear tire starts running out of air every 2 weeks and is annoying.

UMMMM……….

Some things that have happened:

-I have been traveling to like every major city in the Midwest for work and haven’t been home much.

-My apartment complex towed my car from my parking lot, where it was parked legally. It ended up costing me around $700

-Sean bitched out and doesn’t want to go to Vegas because he’s a grownup now and wants to do grownup things like own property

-I watched The Big Lebowski

-Sean, Monica and Nate came to visit and it was pretty awesome. I had a drunken revelation where it became dangerously clear to me how awesome top hats and canes are and I haven’t been able to get over that ever since.

-I bought a Bayside Tigers tshirt and like 4 people complimented me in the airport

-I got in trouble for wearing a ninja turtles shirt to work that said “Drug Free: The way to be!” I am still confused as to how my wearing this shirt led to an awkward confrontation from a rotting old lady that smelled of coffee and pinesol, but it happened.

-A really loud black lady at an Arby’s gave me a high five because I had an xmen shirt on

-Apparently my stories are mostly about shirts

-Someone opened a bar that is literally attached to my apartment building. I went there on the opening night and the owner gave me free beers that were really dark and really strong and kicked my ass. I really hot waitress tried to pretend she knew anything at all about beer and it was cute until it was annoying.

-Two ladies that work for my company took me out drinking when I was at their office in Nashville. They were hilarious and we had fun. Nashville is pretty cool but I pretty much love wherever I am when I’m drunk.

-I had an $80 steak in Indianapolis (even though I don’t like steak). It would have tasted better wrapped in a tortilla.

There are plenty of other things but I think I’ll stop that list for now and tell you the story that inspired this post’s title.

So we just went through a huge upgrade and merge with the systems I’m working on this weekend (which is pretty much the majority of what I’ve been doing since I got here). Since Sunday at around 10:00 AM I’ve been working on fixing things that the ballsack software company broke and things are finally starting to slow down. I just got off of a 3 hour phone call with the software company going through all of our outstanding issues. Now, I haven’t taken a lunch in a week and that call was fucking gay so I went to the kitchen and got a Mountain Dew and some Nacho Cheese Doritos.

I sit down at my desk and I’m about as excited as a fat kid could be about these Doritos. I open up the bag and enjoy that heavenly aroma on an almost sexual level. Next, I reach in (with two fingers) and grab the most perfect chip that I could find.
The phone rings.
It’s another contractor that I’ve known for about 5 years that works on similar projects so we talk pretty frequently and bounce ideas off of each other. Typically, she’s really funny and I enjoy talking to her so I’m like “what the hell?”
I answer.
She goes on to tell me about this drama with the project she’s working on and how she had to get on the phone with the executive driving the project yesterday and explain to him that the dates were all going to be pushed back.
Now… by this point I’m getting impatient so I go ahead and put that chip in my mouth. The whole fucking thing, I wasn’t messing around.

Literally RIGHT as I’m fully committed to this chip she starts talking about her friend that died yesterday of cancer. There I am, dorito in mouth, thinking, “holy shit… I wasn’t prepared for this conversation” THEN she goes on to talk about her autistic nephew that tried to hang himself yesterday.
At this point, I still had that chip in my mouth… but hadn’t bit it yet. My jaw was actually getting tired from holding this chip in the pre-biting position for so long.
FINALLY she stops talking and lets out a long sigh followed by like 4 seconds of silence and… *crunch*

The Family Guy scene where Anne Frank’s family is hiding from the Nazis in the attic and Peter is eating potato chips comes to mind.

In hindsight, I could have muted my phone or started chewing the chip while she was still talking… but it all happened so fast.

I don’t even know if I want the rest of these Doritos now…
EDIT: I ate them.

I’m going to be in San Diego from November 23 – 28 so we should hang out. I will be eating mexican or japanese food every day that I’m there, including Thanksgiving.



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21 years old = lose, my driving skills = win and the spicy penis

So this Wilfred show is actually pretty funny. When I first heard about it I loved the idea, but after watching the first episode I wasn’t very impressed which was somewhat annoying since the concept has so much potential. Now I’m a few episodes in and after seeing them go to a beach where dogs weren’t allowed and kill a stork I’m hooked.

If you have any interest in an unemployed, hobbit lawyer and an Australian dog/person smoking weed, shitting in people’s shoes, eating nachos and other shenanigans then check this show out.

I went on a couple of dates with this really cute girl that (I thought) had amazing in taste in books, movies and tv. We hit it off on the first dates but I don’t think it’s going to work out. First of all, I don’t even know how long I’m going to be in this city so I don’t want to get into some long term, serious relationship. I just want someone to cool go out with and have fun, even a platonic relationship is fine (you can get head in a platonic relationship, right?). She seems really into me (duh) but it’s actually starting to get annoying. Last night she gave me this look that made me feel like I was watching my past relationships in syndication. Saying this makes me feel really old but no matter how hard she tries, 21 is just too young. I’m not sure what I did to swoon her but I’d like to take it back because it was a lot of fun hanging out with her before that.

The above definitely contributed, but then last night I also found out that she’s one of those Stargate Atlantis fans that hates Stargate Universe. Honestly, that is a dealbreaker for me.

Oh, I almost died yesterday. It was awesome!

It had rained quite a bit earlier in the day and I was on my way home from work. There’s this freeway off ramp that I take everyday on my way home and I don’t think I did anything different today, but when I took the sharp turn I totally lost control of my car and ended up doing this awesome umm… well it was more than a 180, maybe like a 258. I didn’t hit anyone or anything because I’m awesome and have lots of experience in similar situations from video games. When I regained control, I continued the spin to straighten out like I did the whole thing on purpose and just kept going like nothing happened.

My adrenaline was pumping and as I came down from my “holy shit I’m awesome” high, I realized that this was the song that I had blasting in my car throughout the incident:

It’s one of my favorite Feist songs, but it didn’t really capture the mood.

I decided to stop drinking bottled water because Captain Planet told me he knows where I live and will green mullet rape me. I was like, well maybe you should just send the asian and blonde planeteer girls to handle that but he didn’t buy it. Supposedly this area has some of the best tap water in the US, but it still tastes like the tin man’s piss to me.

Also, I totally touched my penis without thinking about it the other night after I just cooked and ate a dinner that consisted primarily of hot sauce and fresh jalapenos. My manliness burned for literally an hour and nothing seemed to make it better, everything I tried just made me look like an idiot and the burning worse. Most of you are probably laughing, but I know one of you (you know who you are) wants to give me a hug. If this is what it feels like to have an std then I’m never having sex again. Ok, that was a lie but I am going to start wearing a condom after I eat.

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This place is starting to grow on me

I am going to a midnight showing of The Dark Crystal.

The movie theater showing it serves beer and the beer is cheaper than their soda.

I also filled up my tank at like $3.30 / gallon the other day.

As a kid, did anyone else ever watch the show “Waynehead”? I had no idea how fucked up this show was… it’s about a crippled black kid living in the ghetto with a 3 legged pet dog named “Tripod” hahaha. I’m like laughing so hard that I can barely type this. Just in the openening song, you see them fucking with a sleeping hobo on a bench and this guy who is constantly eating “candy” out of a brown paper bag.

In episode 3: Rebel Without a Paw (lol), Waynehead and Tripod play a ghetto ass game of chicken where the person rides a skateboard while being pulled by the dog out of an alleyway towards a busy street. So it’s a crippled kid on a skateboard being pulled by a three legged dog against some bully being pulled by some giant bulldog.

I guess this show is like.. the black Hey Arnold or something?

The best show I watched growing up was, by far, Darkwing Duck. This guy was fucking badass… with quotes like “I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the ingrown toenail on the foot of crime.” Awesome.

Other close runner ups including Talespin, Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers and, of course, Animaniacs. Unfortunately I couldn’t fully appreciate Animaniacs as an 8 year old kid.

I almost forgot how awesome this song is…

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